In conversations with TBM’s it is very hard to gain an
acceptance of the legitimacy of your position. This can be especially
frustrating because in every sense of the word, your argument is built upon a
foundation of reason. Were these discussions simply an internet fight with a
faceless screen name, it wouldn't be that important. Most of the time, however,
these discussions are taking place with someone much closer to us, be it a
spouse, parent, or sibling, and the fallout from such conversations can be
quite damaging.
It is oft said that you can’t reason someone out of a
position they didn't reason themselves into. This is a very valid statement,
and the truthfulness of it has caused me to spend considerable time attempting
to figure out how to get someone to apply their critical thinking skills into
an argument that they are emotionally vested in.
After all, I was able to do it. I was about as deep into the
rabbit hole as one can be, with absolutely no question in my mind that I was
right. Sure, there were some issues I was concerned or curious about, but in
the end I truly believed that they would be resolved in the next life, which I
was certain was going to happen. In fact, one of the greatest lamentations of
my youth was my total commitment to the idea that the second coming would happen
soon (right about now, in fact) and that I probably wouldn't get to raise a
family before the shit hit the fan. Yet, somehow, I was able to progress from
this sort of thinking into a reasoned, objective analysis into my faith, with the
eventual complete acceptance that I was completely and utterly wrong. How did I
get there?
My dear wife was able to do it as well. I was completely out for quite a while before
I even broached the subject with her. As I alluded to above, I was quite
worried what would happen after attempting to tell my wife about my new-founded
lack of religious belief. I had the full expectation that she would divorce me,
and I spent months on a carefully crafted letter explaining my position. But
would she even be open to it, be able to listen to the words and my reasoning?
First, I tested the waters with a softball. Even as a TBM I didn't think there was a world-wide flood. I took the fence-sitter position
that it was a regional flood (even though it clearly says it wasn't . After
collecting some good analytic info about why a world flood wasn't possible, I
brought the subject up on a drive home. Immediately the walls went up. She
tightened her lips, her nostrils flared, and her eyes widened in anger. “I don’t
care what anyone says, I’m not going to question my faith!”
Exactly the type of response I was trying to avoid. The idea
that someone would never change their position despite any information that
could be presented is about as arrogant and willfully ignorant a position as
there is. Now, that is not to say my wife is this way, as this type of response
is normal when emotions get involved. But it shouldn't be.
That hard response took me back. I had no idea how I was
going to reason with someone so emotionally charged that they couldn't question
something that isn't even critical to their faith, especially when there is a
commonly-accepted middle of the road concession available. But I was intent on
this path, so I didn't quit just yet.
It took me several months to transition from total believer
to non believer, so I realized that my expectation that she would just be a
pure logic machine and drop her life-long faith after inducing the truth from a
single conversation to be…well, unrealistic at best.
I tried several more approaches, but used a little more
tact. My goal was no longer to get an instant deconversion, but simply to get
her to think about our conversation and the logical repercussions of them. The last one I dropped on her before she
received “the bomb” (my long-ass letter) as a probing about the temple. Again,
I related it back to her and her feelings, and not so much about facts or
controversy.
When we went through the temple together to receive our
endowments, I was in shock the whole time. The rituals, the clothing, the fact
that we obeyed Satan, the chanting, overall, the general creepiness of the
whole thing really bothered me. However, she and I had never talked about the experience. After all, we weren't supposed
to. One thing that had bothered me for a
while is that I forgot my secret, heavenly name. How am I supposed to get into
heaven past the guardian angels if I don’t even know my own name?
As many of you know, the hilarious thing about your magic
heaven name is that only a few names are used, they are rotated, and everybody
that goes through on the same day has the same name. I asked her what hers was
and told her I had forgotten mine (turns out she forgot hers too). I then
explained how everyone had the same name and that I could find out my name by
just looking it up in a database by date, finding out the name that everyone
that was endowed that day got. It is a little thing, but as I showed her this
it was clear that it bothered her.
We are taught that this name is our heavenly name, that it
is sacred and secret; being the name we will be known by in the next life. When
she (and I) found out that name isn't so special, it really takes some of the “mmmph”
out of the significance of the day. She revealed to me that she was just as
creeped out as I was by the ceremony, that she did not find it uplifting at
all, and that there is a strange order involved here. The names are a little
fuzzy as to what the full purpose is, but if we are pre-ordained for our roles
in this life, the family we were born into, then this means that in the
infinite wisdom of God, all of the people who were given a certain name in the
temple will magically be there on the same day.
Seeing the cogs turning in her head, I decided to move a
little further. See, she was still responding emotionally for the most part,
but this was information that didn't directly conflict with any belief she had
and was involving an issue integral to the faith, yet was something she didn't think fondly of. Perfect. I decided to bring up polygamy.
As a member this issue didn't bother me too greatly. Like
many, I never learned anything about it except for the most general of
information. The fact that I knew Joseph Smith had multiple wives might even
put me ahead of most Mormons (for some reason, many are completely unaware of
this). I used the information on the church-owned website FamilySearch.org to
show her just how many wives Smith had, when he married them, and that many of
them were quite young. I also demonstrated that many of those wives were
concurrently married to other guys, but I did all of this with an approach that
was not too critical or too condemning. I also didn't overwhelm her with
information. I gave her a small taste and let her stew on it for a while, and wouldn't you know it only a few days passed before she was asking me for more information.
It wasn't much longer before she was all the way out, and I knew my marriage
was safe.
To be continued…
